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Low period, hopelessness, despair, and, burden
1 (not depressed at all) ------ 100 (most depressed, suicidal, willing to act on suicide)

Week beginning 11/11 - Depressive mood - 85 (hopelessness, slowness, trouble getting to sleep, lack of future, failure, emptiness, burden, thinking about suicide, high level anxiety and stress)

Week beginning 18/11 - Depressive mood - 80 (mood swings, anxiety and stress, same as 11/11 - not so many thoughts of suicide)

Week beginning 25/11 - Depressive mood - 78 to 80 (anxiety, mood swings, inquietude - hopelessness, failure)

Friday and Saturday - sunny
Still ok but residual fatigue of sorts.

Feeling okay. Physically bit sore but other than that okay.

Climbing out now. Remarkably better. Focusing on one thing at a time is helpful.

And down we go. Pretty deep chasm this one.

Sur le sujet de la difference - Sobre el sujeto de la diferencia - On the subject of being different
Of course all of these times of thought are usually triggered by a dose of caffeine usually at midday, sometimes afternoon but actually today I have one in the morning. There's a creeping sensation as I watch time transpire, and suddenly leisure time creeps past ten, eleven and twelve, one in the morning. And my mind begins to grind stubbornly and refuses rest, my body overheating - unwilling to prepare itself for repose.

Then I do something to ease to boredom, and look at a few photographs, how other people are doing. Knots then, begin to form in the pit of my stomach. And they tighten and clench, and my stomach writhes and my mind like a hysterical bystander begins to churn faster.

A simple photo representation of someone having fun, someone enjoying an overseas trip, someone popular and outgoing who has lost weight is suddenly a crushing blow to the ego. Well they may have had money, been a good socialiser, very outing but at least they were fat. And now they're not. And what have I got? But then, I was perfectly fine before I saw this.

The realisation of a self that is flesh and human, functioning returns to the forefront. There is a reminder, well you have forgotten once again. You are different. You know you are. This doesn't make you better than anyone, or special in any sense. Just different. You forgot, so why are you comparing now?

Then it lies dormant again, the darkness. One does not fight the darkness, one copes. It is neither friend nor foe, it is just there, a part of you. You manage and cope, as you would if you lost a limb, or an eye. And you do the best you can. It is the same with all of us with the darkness, our own darkness. All those of us who experience it, grasp for those moments of glimmers of hope of others who are suffering like us, but we all know, really, this is journey that we have to make on our own.

It will pass.

Entry dated 16-1-10

One who is insecure struggles with the law of impermanence and uncertainty. Certainly the labels we attribute to describe our relationship with other people define our faith in how that relation will work, the dynamics - and the overall assumption that we will perform certain actions and fulfil certain roles in light of some arbritrary title.

At time my own ideas about my personal relations with people are tested - older attributes reign in the order person - an older friend who by history of their relationship [with me] are attributed as a closer companion despite no or little present communication.

But it is I who is perhaps the weaker party who is so affected for there is a tendency of mine, subconsciously, to take offence at certain actions. I, due to the conflict in my life have easily accepted decisions to let go of these remaining relationships. Somehow writing that saddens me.